Book Report Boundaries Essay, Research Paper
Book Report Boundaries: When To Say Yes, When To State No To Take Control Of Your Life
Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, Zondervan Publishing House, Grand Rapids, Michigan, 1992
The writers present the book in three parts: What are Boundaries? , Boundary Conflicts, and Developing Healthy Boundaries.
What are Boundaries?
A boundary is a personal belongings line that we set up to specify who we are, what we do, and for what we are responsible. Boundaries impact all countries of our lives: physical, mental, emotional, and religious. Physical boundaries help us find who is allowed to touch us and when they may touch us. Mental boundaries help us know that we are free to believe our ain ideas, have our ain feelings, and show our ain sentiments. Emotional boundaries help us show our ain emotions and feelings & # 8212 ; non those of others. Religious boundaries help us understand what is God & # 8217 ; s will and what is our ain will.
The book begins with a expression at a twenty-four hours with Sherrie, a adult female whose life was boundaryless. Sherrie catered to her kids & # 8217 ; s every caprice. She could ne’er state, & # 8220 ; No, & # 8221 ; to her female parent who had non adjusted to going a widow and wanted to pass eternal hours sing with Sherrie. Sherrie & # 8217 ; s female parent ever managed to do her feel like a guilty small miss. Sherrie & # 8217 ; s girlfriend, who was single, ever dumped her & # 8220 ; boyfriend & # 8221 ; jobs on her. Sherrie & # 8217 ; s colleague ever managed to dump portion of his work on her. He knew she was reliable, faithful, and dependable, and would ever state all of this piece inquiring her to make his work. A commission leader from Sherrie & # 8217 ; s church called for her to work on a particular commission, stating this is what is meant being a life forfeit. Her hubby ignored her, burring himself in forepart of the Television most eventides. Sherrie resented the instability in all of her relationships, but she would instantly experience guilty.
Over the old ages Sherrie had noticed a displacement in the matrimony relationship. Her hubby had become sarcastic, and she could see the deficiency of regard for her in his eyes. He began to demand that she ever do things his manner, and his pique would flame up. She realized her matrimony was non a squad attempt any longer. It was more like a parent-child relationship with her being the kid. Sherrie realized he was a commanding individual, but she blamed herself for even that! She tried & # 8220 ; loving him out of his anger. & # 8221 ; She learned to read his emotions, pique, organic structure linguistic communication, and address. She was cognizant of his tempers and became sensitive to things that would put him off. If she was quiet and agreeable, things would travel good for a piece. If she stated her penchants, things would flame up up once more. After Sherrie realized she was traversing a line, she would raise Stage II, which was & # 8220 ; Loving Him, & # 8221 ; coming around to his point of position ( but non truly ) . She would softly keep her peace or began apologising. Stage III, & # 8220 ; Loving Him, & # 8221 ; meant making particular things for him to demo earnestness, dressing beautifully at place, and cooking his favourite repasts several times a hebdomad. ( After all, the Bible talked about being this sort of married woman. ) This would all work for a piece, but it ne’er lasted. Her hubby began to remain angry longer which isolated her from him. When Sherrie was eventually honorable with herself, she realized that she felt nil for her hubby but bitterness and fright.
A twenty-four hours in Sherrie & # 8217 ; s life could really good hold been a twenty-four hours in MY life!
So What is the Problem?
Sherrie tries to be a good married woman, female parent, employee, friend and Christian. Trying harder does non work. Being nice out of fright does non work. Taking duty for other does non work. Sherrie had trouble cognizing for what things to take duty. She did non cognize what was her occupation and what was non her occupation. There were no boundaries.
Merely as householders set physical boundary lines around their belongings, we have to put mental, physical, emotional, and religious boundaries to assist separate our duty from others. A batch of Christians battle with the inquiry, & # 8220 ; When is it Biblically right to put bounds? & # 8221 ;
What Do Boundaries Look Like?
Boundaries are intangible. They can be unseeable belongings lines, fencings, walls, or hedges. The proprietor within these boundaries is responsible. The non-owner is non responsible. Religious boundaries are merely every bit existent as physical boundaries.
Boundaries define your psyche and aid you guard it and keep it ( p 29 ) . We can be free from commanding, pull stringsing people when we know and understand for what we ain and take duty. Our picks and options are limited without proper boundaries.
We are responsible to other people and for ourselves. The Bible Tells us to & # 8220 ; bear one another & # 8217 ; s loads and in so making we fulfill the jurisprudence of Christ. & # 8221 ; However, sometimes we take this excessively far. Others have loads that they must bear themselves and non set off on person else. It is Okay to put bounds. God says who He is and who He is non, what He will make and what He will non make, what He likes and what He does non wish, what He will let and what He will non allow.. We can make the same.
Examples of Boundaries:
Words The most of import boundary-setting word is & # 8220 ; No. & # 8221 ; It lets others know that we are apart from them and that we are in control of ourselves.
Truth Knowing the truth about God and ourselves helps us define ourselves in relation to God. Honesty about who you are gives you the scriptural value of unity, or unity ( p. 35 ) .
Geographic distance Sometimes we have to take ourselves from a state of affairs or topographic point to put bounds. The Bible impulses us to divide from those who continue to ache us and to make a safe topographic point for ourselves. Removing yourself from the state of affairs will besides do the 1 who is left behind to see a loss of family that may take to changed behaviour ( Matt. 18:17-18 ; I Corinthians 5:11-13 ) ( p. 36 ) .
Time By taking clip to acquire off, we can take back ownership of our lives and define or redefine our boundaries.
Emotional distance. Emotional distance is a impermanent boundary to give your bosom the infinite it needs to be safe. Peoples who have been in opprobrious relationships need to happen a safe topographic point to get down to & # 8220 ; thaw out & # 8221 ; emotionally. Sometimes in opprobrious matrimonies, the abused partner needs to maintain emotional distance until the opprobrious spouse begins to confront his or her jobs and go trusty ( p. 36 ) .
What is Within our Boundaries?
Our attitudes are our orientation toward others, God, life, relationships and so on. Beliefs are what we accept as true. Our attitudes and strong beliefs fall within our ain belongings line. We learn attitudes early in our lives, and we have to cognize that they are our ain and non those of person else.
Behaviors, picks, values are within our ain belongings lines. Although we can non put bounds on others, we can put bounds on what we can digest. We can non alter others, but we can make something about ourselves.
Boundary Problems
Peoples who do non esteem other peoples & # 8217 ; boundaries besides have boundary jobs. Boundary struggles are non limited to those who can non state no.
Compliants pretend a batch and will make anything for peace, company, or love. Some people can non state no to things that they know are non right. This causes a boundary struggle called conformity. Avoidants are those who can non inquire for aid or acknowledge they have a job. They avoid the job. Accountants are people who can non hear the word, & # 8220 ; No. & # 8221 ; They project their duty for their lives onto others. They use assorted sorts of control to do others carry their burden. There are two types of accountants: Aggressive and Manipulative. Aggressive accountants run over other people and may be verbally and/or physically opprobrious. They try to alter other people to make things their manner or believe the manner they do. Manipulative accountants talk you into making things their manner or stating yes. They use guilt to acquire other to make or see things their manner. Nonresponsives are those who refuse to hear the demands of others.
How Boundaries are Developed
Boundaries are non inherited & # 8211 ; they are built. Boundary development is an on-going procedure, but the most important phase is in early childhood development, when our character is formed. When we are non unafraid that we are loved, we make bad picks.
This chapter discusses the specific stages of boundary development of babies and kids in early parental interactions. The stages are adhering, separation and individualization, hatching practicing, and reconciliation.
Bonding occurs when the female parent responds to the kid & # 8217 ; s demands, i.e. , intimacy, keeping, nutrient, etc. As the female parent takes attention of the kid, the kid develops an emotional image of a loving female parent ever being at that place for him. The babe does non cognize that he is separate from his female parent. He believes that he and his female parent are the same. This is called mutualism. This is why the kid terrors and calls when his female parent is non about. The end of the female parent being around the babe is a province called emotional object stability. The kid has an internal sense of belonging and safety.
Separation and Individuation & # 8211 ; Separation refers to the kid & # 8217 ; s need to see himself as distinct from his female parent. Individualization is the individuality the kid develops while he is dividing from the female parent.
Hatching is a clip of geographic expedition, touching tasting and experiencing new things. Children at this phase are still dependent on the female parent but now are non so concerned with intimacy with her. He feels safe and begins to task hazards away from his female parent.
In the Practicing stage, the kid is seeking to go forth the female parent. This stage provides the kid with energy and thrust to go an single.
In the Rapprochement, stage, the kid comes back to world. He realizes that he can non make everything entirely and that he still needs his female parent for some things. However, the kid still feels his separate ego.
Boundary struggles occur in the important first few old ages of our lives. They could go on in any or all of the stages, separation-individuation, hatching, practising or reconciliation. The earlier the boundary hurt occurs, the deeper the boundary jobs may be. Developing kids need to cognize that their boundaries will be honored or they may retreat from boundaries. Hostility against boundaries, overcontrol, deficiency of bounds, inconsistent bounds and injuries can do boundary hurt. Our ain character traits contribute to our boundary issues. One & # 8217 ; s ain wickedness contributes to boundary development.
Ten Laws of Boundaries
Sowing and Reaping You reap
whatever you sow. If you sow to your ain flesh, you will harvest corruptness from the flesh ; but if you sow to the Spirit, you will harvest ageless life from the Spirit” ( Gal. 6:7-8 NRSV ) ( p. 84 )
Sometimes people do non harvest what they sow, because other people reap the effects for them. The individual who ever does the reaping for person else is a codependent and is boundaryless. Establishing boundaries helps codependent people stop disrupting the Torahs of sowing and reaping.
Duty This jurisprudence includes loving others. This is the full jurisprudence for Christians ( Gal. 5:13-14 ) . Jesus says, & # 8220 ; Love each other as I have loved you:
( John 15:12 ) . If we do non love others, we are non taking full duty for ourselves and have disowned our Black Marias. ( p. 86 ) . We can merely love one another, we can non be one another. Everyone is responsible for himself.
Power Until we admit the truth to ourselves about ourselves, we are powerless. We do non hold the power in and of ourselves to get the better of our failings. We do hold the power to subject ourselves to God. We have the power to alter our ain egos, and to squeal our ain wickednesss, and repent. Boundaries help us understand what we do hold power over. We do non hold power over others, and we can non alter others.
Respect We must esteem the boundaries of others without being judgmental. If we respect other boundaries, they will esteem our boundaries.
Motivation We must analyze what motivates us to make what we do. Be we motivated out of fright of loss of love or forsaking, fright of other people & # 8217 ; s choler, or fright of solitariness?
Evaluation We should measure the effects of puting boundaries and be responsible to the other individual. This does non intend that we should avoid puting boundaries for fright of aching or upsetting person.
Proactivity Reaction stages are necessary but non sufficient for the constitution of boundaries. Emotionally, the reactive stance brings decreasing returns. You must respond to happen your ain boundaries, but holding found them, you must & # 8220 ; non utilize your freedom to indulge the iniquitous nature. If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other & # 8221 ; ( Gal. 5:13, 15 ) ( p. 95-96 ) .
After responding, one can get down to set up proactive boundaries, demoing for what you stand, what you like and do non wish, what you will make or will non make.
Envy The job with enviousness is that it focuses outside of our boundaries and onto others. When we focus on what other people have or have accomplished, we neglect our duties.
Activity We can non go inactive and inactive. The wickedness that God rebukes is non seeking and neglecting, but neglecting to seek.
Exposure Boundaries must be made seeable to others and communicated to them in relationship. Boundary jobs occur because of relational frights.
Chase awaying Common Boundary Myths
Puting boundaries is non being selfish. Appropriate boundaries increase our ability to care about others. A deficiency of boundaries is a mark of noncompliance. We must allow others cognize what we stand for. Being Christians, we must allow others cognize that we stand for Christ. When we begin to put boundaries, others will go angry or injury. However, their choler and injury are non our duty. Puting boundaries does non intend that we are angry. Boundaries can be changed or adjusted. We have the right to alter our heads whenever we want.
Boundary Conflicts
The 2nd portion of the book trades with Boundaries and Your Family, Friends, Spouse, Children, Work, Self, and God. I will reexamine Boundaries and Spouse and Boundaries and God because these are the two countries that I need most to develop and understand.
A matrimony mirrors the relationship that Christ has with his bride, the Church. Christ has duties and the Church has duties. When a hubby and married woman become one, they do non lose their single individualities. Each participates in the relationship, and each has his or her ain life ( p. 150 ) .
Boundaries can go confused in the elements of the personhood & # 8211 ; the elements of the psyche that each individual possesses and can take to portion with person else ( p. 151 ) . Problems arise when one individual crosses the line and attempts to command the other individual & # 8217 ; s ideas, feelings, attitudes, behaviours, values, and picks. These are things that merely the person can command. When one tries to command these things, he is go againsting the other individual & # 8217 ; s boundaries ( although one may non hold established clear boundaries ) . Our relationship with Christ is based on freedom. Jesus does non coerce us to love Him, trust Him, or follow Him.
Each of us is to take duty for our ain feelings and desires. Problems arise when we make person else responsible for these feelings and desires. We need to put bounds on what we can give. When one partner does all the giving, bitterness physiques.
When the Torahs of sowing and reaping are applied to marriage, we can see that sometimes one partner may be out of control and may non endure the effects of his behaviour. ( The
hubby cries at his married woman and she tries to be more loving. We can mention to & # 8220 ; Sherrie & # 8221 ; in the beginning of this paper or to my ain matrimonial state of affairs. ) Natural effects are needed to decide this state of affairs. The out of control partner should be told that his behaviour will no longer be tolerated without effects.
The jurisprudence of duty shows us that taking duty for person & # 8217 ; s choler, pouting, and letdowns by giving in to that individual & # 8217 ; s demands or commanding behavior destroys love in a matrimony. Alternatively of giving in to this sort of behaviour, we should demo duty by facing it.
To put to death the jurisprudence of power, we use the power that we ourselves have. Before puting boundaries we try to state the other individual how to act. After set uping boundaries, we tell the other individual what we will make if they continue a certain behaviour. For illustration, & # 8220 ; You can go on to shout at me if you like, but I will non remain in the room and capable myself to this type of behavior. & # 8221 ;
Sing the jurisprudence of measuring, the hurting that boundary scene may do others demands that we be fondly responsible to the other individual. Those who mean good will accept our boundaries and act responsibly toward them. Those who are commanding and egoistic will respond angrily ( p. 158 ) . Boundary scene ever trades with ego & # 8211 ; non the other person. & # 8221 ;
The jurisprudence of exposure in matrimony shows us that boundaries should be communicated first verbally and so with actions. Boundaries should be clear and unapologetic.
Passive boundaries such as backdown, triangulation, sulking and inactive aggressive behaviour, are destructive to a relationship.
Some would state that when a married woman sets boundaries she is non being a biblically submissive married woman. When a married woman begins to put boundaries, the immature behaviour of the hubby is even more apparent. The Bible negotiations about the hubby and married woman subjecting themselves to one another ( Eph. 5:21 ) . In a good matrimony, both partners carry equal tonss of duty, togetherness and discreteness. They both do things on their ain and together. There is a balance created by common balance. To decide jobs both partners must hold that there is a job, place the specific boundary job, find the beginning of the struggle, set up new boundaries, and forgive. Spouses have to make up one’s mind what their bounds are and what effects will ensue. Loving one another must be done with freedom and non with boundaryless conformity.
God allows us to do picks. He besides gives the effects of our picks. God desires truth in our & # 8220 ; inner parts & # 8221 ; ( Ps. 51:6 ) . He does non desire us to be inactive in our relationship with Him. Boundaries are built-in in any relationship God has created, for they define the two parties who are loving each other. Boundaries help us to be the best we can be & # 8211 ; in God & # 8217 ; s image. They let us see God as He truly is.
Developing Healthy Boundaries
When we try to set up boundaries, we will be met with opposition by others and sometimes our ain egos. Puting boundaries may non come easy. Establishing boundaries and lodging to them will be difficult for some of us. We will run into with others & # 8217 ; angry reactions. Others will seek to do us experience guilty for standing up for ourselves. Some will seek to pull strings us back into our old ways of boundarylessness. We do non hold to explicate nor warrant puting boundaries. Sometimes when we set boundaries, we are met with physical opposition. Abusive partners will non take, & # 8220 ; No, & # 8221 ; for an reply. Boundaries can be set and maintained. Some people confuse forgiveness with rapprochement. We must forgive others to be free, but we do non ever achieve rapprochement.
A Day In A Life With Boundaries
The book ends with a twenty-four hours in the life of the adult female from the first chapter. The adult female named Sherrie whose boundaryless life was like my ain in so many ways. Since larning how to put boundaries, Sherrie has begun seting her childs to bed earlier because of puting better clip bounds with them. When Sherrie & # 8217 ; s female parent makes surprise visits, Sherrie is honorable with her female parent by stating her that it is a bad clip to see. After facing her individual friend about the instabilities in their relationship, her friend does non name every bit frequently. When her coworker comes in to chew the fat about work, Sherrie takes control and tells him she does non hold clip to chew the fat or make favours for him, and asks him to go forth her a note. Sherrie backed off from so many church commissions and is now able to take the 1s in which she wants to go involved. Sherrie has confronted her hubby & # 8217 ; s emotional distance and told him what she would make if it continued. He threatened, sulked, and became withdrawn. She stuck to her guns, and finally he began to alter. They went through a batch, but became more of a squad, with common love and duty.
When we start to develop healthy boundaries, we will see feelings of bitterness, defeat, or even anger when others violate our boundaries. Peoples who do non acquire angry when they are being violated, manipulated, or controlled have a echt disability ( p. 271 ) . This inability to acquire angry is by and large a mark that we are afraid of the discreteness that comes with stating the truth. When we acknowledge the truth, we give ourselves permission to be angry. When we become & # 8220 ; boundary-setters, & # 8221 ; we find ourselves drawn to others who set clear boundaries for themselves. Taking duty for ourselves and set uping clear BOUNDARIES is healthy. Knowing & # 8220 ; When to Say YES, When to Say NO, allows us To Take Control Of Our Lifes.
